


Useless

by PaladinAlby



Series: Kreizloore One-Shots [3]
Category: The Alienist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, John needs a hug tbh, Just pure sadness guys, Laszlo should really apologise, M/M, Made myself cry, specifically from laszlo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 00:18:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaladinAlby/pseuds/PaladinAlby
Summary: John's thoughts and feelings after the lil argument with Laszlo in Episode 2





	Useless

**Author's Note:**

> Just a wee lil drabble of sadness and angst because im in that mood today... i promise my next fic will be a lot happier!
> 
> [Edited]
> 
> I do not own the characters nor the show

“Perhaps you have already played your part.”

It hurt, to hear Laszlo Kreizler, his best friend, the man he has fancied ever since Harvard, imply that he may have no more use of him. John has been hurt before, both emotionally and physically but none of it hurt more than this. He could feel his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. It was bad enough that Laszlo accused him of having affections for Sara, but to hear him say that he could just be nothing to him now, that was what ruined John.

Leaving the building he ignored the group he had just previously had dinner with, claiming that he can walk home, he didn’t want to be anywhere near Laszlo right now.

There were so many emotions running through him now. There was sadness, hurt, anger and what people could call heartbreak. He felt sick, there was a lump in his throat that he kept having to swallow down, it wouldn’t do any good to end up crying in public.

 _‘How could he say that? My own best friend’_ It was sad really, how much the possibility of not being useful to Laszlo hurt, he shouldn’t let one person determine how worthy he was.

 _‘Laszlo isn’t just a person, stop kidding yourself’_. Laszlo is the man that’s been by his side for so many years, Laszlo was the one who was there for him when he felt as if his life was crashing down. Laszlo is the man he is in love with, not that he will ever tell him that, that’s the one secret he will always keep away from his best friend.

So yes, Laszlo Kreizler was not just a person to him, the doctor is one of the only reasons he breathes and is still sane. He can’t imagine his life without the other man, and that only made his current misery worse.

The thing was, John knew that Laszlo most likely didn’t mean it. The man loves to be dramatic, he always thought of statements that he never truly meant but still went ahead and said them. Over the years it has caused a lot of hatred from other men and tears from women, but Laszlo didn’t really have that censor in his mind to stop himself from saying hurtful things.

Knowing this is somewhat comforting but there was still the possibility that Laszlo meant what he said.

John was finally bought out of his mind when he heard the loud sounds of ruckus, only now realising how far he had walked. Looking around he caught sight of a pair of boots hanging on a metal fence, his mind connecting the dots and he suddenly knew exactly what this was.

 _‘Maybe I can prove myself to Laszlo by getting information in there’_ was the first thought that went through his head, and before the wiser side of himself could argue, he moved towards the steps. Looking around quickly, he walked down the steps into the building.

Little did he know it would be one of the biggest regrets of his life, but the idea that he could prove himself to the man he loves outweighed all else.

**Author's Note:**

> Laszlo really needs to apologise especially after that ending of the episode...


End file.
